From the day that I decided that I was going to move across the country and start my life without my daughter's father, I knew that it wouldn't be easy. I knew that it meant raising a child without a father, I knew it meant financially that my rent and my car insurance wouldn't be paid for me monthly, and I knew that I would be lonely, at least for a while because raising a child without a father meant that in addition to dealing with the day to day "so where's the father" questions, I'd also have to deal with being single for a while, not having someone to hold me at night, and becoming the pickiest single lady in my area.
After all, who doesn't become picky when it comes to a potential life partner, and when there is someone else whose life is dependent on your decisions, it makes it even easier to deny someone.
I left California almost six months ago, and its been a roller-coaster ever since, from rediscovering who I was to finding the person who was in between a mother, and a single woman trying to have a good time. I still not quite sure I've found the middle ground between the two.
When I think of the life that I left in California I think of a really stressed out person, raising a child with lots of financial help but little emotional or physical support when it came to my daughter. I see a woman who had totally lost who she was before she had a child. I no longer left the house or went out and did things. While pregnant I had imagined myself being a mother who did things all the time with her child, someone who took her daughter to playgrounds and parks, libraries and museums. The truth of the matter was that by 10am I was so exhausted from making up stress in my mind, that I couldn't even function in normal society. Not to mention that I think I totally forgot how to talk to adults after spending a year with an infant.
I started school and that was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I did in my life, not only did I finally have a career, but I could support myself and my daughter without depending on somebody else. There was only one problem, who was going to help me care for my daughter when I was busy, I needed someone who was constantly available and close and her dad worked a job that was hours away.
After a trip back to CT where I; for the first time in years, went out to the bar and mingled with old friends, old friends who too had children now and seemed to be happy and going out like I had done so many years before. I realized that I could be myself and a mother at the same time. I wanted that again and I knew that in CA, I wouldn't be able to live that life unless I had the help I needed from family and friends.
It was hard all around, though obviously hardest for my daughter's father, he was and still is very angry at me and rightfully so. We live thousands of miles away, I don't regret my decision though I wish there had been some way to make it easier on him. I do my best to help them stay in touch and I'm trying to plan a trip out there so they can see each other. Its hard though while holding down two jobs at a time. I have been searching for jobs that have lots of flexibility but still taking a month of any job is hard. Especially when you are at an entry level position.
I'm broke most of the time, but that doesn't seem to matter like it used to, you would think that I would be worse off with no money and a child to take care of, but for some reason I am happy with myself and that helps me to be happier with the world around me.
I've found that meditation, yoga and good food have helped me get through my down times, even my friends who came to visit me when I lived in California or friend who lived with me while I lived there are always impressed at how at peace I am. And that is how I feel at peace.
I know now that piece doesn't mean everything is great, it doesn't mean that we are going to get through all of our problems instantly or that we don't have any. Peace is being able to deal with problems and feeling centered and grounded while dealing with them. Its about feeling your feet on the ground and holding them there, letting the right choices that are there in the earth come to you, rather then fluttering around in your head looking for decisions, the answers have always been here, I just had to listen.
I've learned in the last six months that life takes time, that it can fall apart and be rebuilt. I've been so fortunate to have the family that I do who helps me take care of my daughter and has financially helped me more then I could have ever done myself.
I've learned how fortunate I am to be back, and how hard most people have it. If I had to take the bus everyday and go to work while taking care of kids on my own again I know that I would have made it, but it would have been a hard existence.
For now I take it day by day, making money where I can and taking my time with life. A few more dollars and a couple more steps to having my CT massage licence. Life is two steps forward and one step back, cars break, relationships suck, we get tickets, we get fired, we get hired and find $20 on the street.
I just try to take it all in, and watch it all go by.
